A Eulogy for My Cat Bailey

If you are a friend of the blog, or me, the author, then you know who my beloved cat Bailey is. You have likely met him and you likely know that he is the sweetest boy and everyone's favorite cat.

Bailey has been sick for the last month. We had to put Bailey down today. I feel horrible.

Bailey first came into my life as a newborn. It was March of my 7th grade year, so if my math is right, 19 years ago. Bailey was technically my brother's cat. My brother's best friend had kittens and one day my brother came home with one. Bailey was a longhaired black cat, which means that when he was a kitten, he just looked like a ball of fluff. We adored him immediately.

Life then was kind of bleak. I liked to do dorky things like read for fun, so I didn't have any friends in middle school. I think my dad still lived with us then. He was mean. And drunk. And scary. He made everyone in our house hurt. Playing with Bailey felt like a bright spot in a dark place.

I think that we took Bailey from his mom too early, and I think that that made him think he was people. He acted like people. He would sleep with his head on a pillow. He liked to be carried upside down like a baby. And he slept in the middle of our king size bed with us, like we were a pride of lions or something. He liked to pose for selfies and pictures and he loved being the center of attention. 

He was so friendly and he loved people. He loved bro-ing out with my partner and his friends. He loved watching us play video games or type on the computer. He loved snuggling up with me on the couch and watching tv. That was how we spent most of our time together and we would alternate who was big spoon. (What kind of cat likes to be big spoon? Bailey!) When one of my old boyfriends back home would visit, Bailey would sit on the back of his recliner and tickle his face with the tip of his tail. Maybe Bailey did it to troll him, and I love Bailey even more for that.

He would seriously just come up to you and throw his arms around you^

One of his favorite shows was Veep^

Bailey could talk. He would call for you from the other room. He would answer to his name, or any variation of his name: Bailey, Baby, Sir, Nurse Bailey, Cuddle Bug, and Sweet Boy. He knew the meaning of eye contact, and he knew when you were talking to him. You could have entire conversations with Bailey, where you would say something and he would respond, and it would go on and on. He had so many different meows and chirps and chitters. He was so, so loud and he knew it. When I was in high school, Bailey and his big sister Whiskers were trusted enough to have outdoor adventures. Whiskers spent hers gardening and befriending toads in the yard, but Bailey would disappear around the neighborhood until about 2 am. He would come home and sit underneath a window to my mom's bedroom and meow and meow until she woke up and let him in.

Bailey wanted to eat anything and everything. One time he ate a funyun that was dropped on the floor. If I was eating pizza, he would attack me until I shared. He loved raspberries, yogurt, ice cream, orange juice, potato chips, cookies, and sushi, but pizza was his favorite. He was a big cat. We know who his mom was, but we think that his dad must have been a big stray cat. He had a long tail that was almost as long as his body. He was a good jumper, and was spry up until he got sick.

He was silly. So silly. I used to think it was because he was a kitten, but he grew up and stayed silly. My mom had never let us have a long haired cat before, so my brother and I would give him baths to make him extra fluffy. We would play fetch with hair ties. He would watch Dion work on his computer, and he would accompany me for Zoom court or Zoom client visits. A common preface when I was working for home and appearing in Court was, "Judge, I want to apologize in advance, I have a very loud and vocal cat here so that's what you're hearing in the background right now."One time during a contentious hearing, he wouldn't stop jumping onto my desk and walking right in front of the camera. The judge cracked a smile. I would visit my clients in jail via Zoom and they would ask to see Bailey. I would lift him up to the camera and they would wave at him. Even our friends who didn't like cats would come over and fall for Bailey. He met so many people and was loved by so many.

Bailey before and after Zoom court ^

I remember being homesick in college and asking my mom to send me pictures of the cats. The cats have lived with either my mom, my brother or me their entire lives. A few years ago, they came to live with me permanently. I was so so happy to have them, but I knew then that they were getting old, and that when the end came, I would be the one to handle it. Which is a terrible responsibility. My greatest fear when my cat Whiskers was sick was that I would wake up one day and she would be dead. I couldn't think about it because it was too painful. As she got sicker and sicker, I dreaded it more and more because I knew it was coming. When Whiskers died, I knew that we would have the same grief with Bailey.

Most of the down time at my house looked like this^ laying on the couch and snuggling

We spent the last years snuggling and eating pizza and playing with hair ties. And I don't think that I would change anything or take anything back. When I wrote my eulogy for Bailey's big sister Whiskers, I said that all we can ever really give another sentient being is love. We can't control the rest. Bailey loved and was so loved. He was so so loved. And I know he loved us too. When we said goodbye to him he maneuvered his paw into my hand and we bumped our foreheads together one last time.

Goddammit everything hurts. I've been laying on the floor and listening to Stranger in the Alps by Phoebe Bridgers on repeat. I can't get up. I've cried so much that my eyes hurt. I think that I cried all of the water out of my body. The house feels so big and empty. I keep thinking that I see Bailey out of the corner of my eye, reclined on a sofa or a bed like he always did. It's just shadows. My partner says that he keeps thinking he can hear Bailey's footsteps on the hardwood floor. I feel like a lonely woman shut up in a big haunted house like Miss Havisham or something.

I have only ever really had two pets my entire life. We grew up together and now they're both gone. I can and will cope with the grief, but I don't think that I can ever open my heart up like that again.

In Whisker's eulogy, I wrote about the afterlife. I still hope that when I die, there is no afterlife. I hope that when I go I'm ready, and I hope that there's nothing. I hope there's peace. But I hope against logic that there's a cat heaven. No one's sick there. Or hampered by old age. If by some sort of fluke there is a human afterlife, I hope it's a good one. I hope it's like the afterlife that gladiator gets in the Ridley Scott movie. I hope it feels like coming home. I'll glide up my driveway on my bike like I do now. I'll skip up the front steps and open the door and be greeted with meows.

Bailey, thank you for being a friend to a lonely little girl. Thank you for taking care of me for 19 years. I love you so much. I'll catch you on the flip side, my sweet boy. Come visit me in my dreams sometime. <3